Funny Wedding Toast Quotes to Make Your Speech a Hit

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Here are some of the best funny wedding toast quotes and jokes you can use

As a part of the wedding party, you know it’s your job to plan the bridal shower, show the groom an awesome last night as a bachelor, and give a few words of wisdom that will set the mood for the rest of the wedding day. Everyone loves a funny wedding speech. If you are a maid of honor or the best man at an upcoming wedding, you know the stress and pressure that comes with writing the perfect speech. A great wedding toast is one part sentimental, three parts hilarious.

Here are some of the best funny wedding toast quotes and jokes you can use to make your wedding speech unforgettable.

Funny wedding toast quotes

The moment you get married, your freedom, sex life, and happiness are over! Or, is it? This is the message that most ‘wedding jokes’ have in common. Is marriage really the end of all your happiness? Is this truly the message you want to send out to the happy couple on their wedding day?

Funny wedding toast quotes can make a real splash during your speech but be careful not to let any negativity spill onto the couple’s big day. Here are some cute and funny quotes about love, romance, and marriage.

  1. “Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell
  2. “Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight” – Phyllis Diller
  3. “It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party” – Nick Hornby
  4. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles Schulz
  5. “Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.”– Henry Kissinger
  6. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Ann Bancroft
  7. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” –George Burns
  8. “An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her” – Agatha Christie
  9. “True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.”– Mindy Kaling
  10. “To keep your marriage brimming with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” —Ogden Nash
  11. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller
  12. “You don’t need to be on the same wavelength to succeed in marriage. You just need to be able to ride each other’s waves.” —Toni Sciarra Poynter
  13. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

Wedding jokes for speeches and toasts

When looking to make a funny wedding toast, why not incorporate some personal stories about the bride or groom? This is a great way to give the guests a personal insight into the more hilarious aspects of their courtship. You can leave the anecdotes about crazy ex-boyfriends and girlfriend out of the equation, but feel free to include any adorable or funny moments you have shared or witnessed with the happy couple.

When looking to make a funny wedding toast, why not incorporate some personal stories about the bride or groom?

Here are some great wedding jokes and stories you can use in your speech

1. “Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web.”

2. A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

3. The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

4. “Did you hear about the two cell phones who got married? The reception was terrific.”

5. “It’s been ten years since the invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids are nothing to look at either.”

6. “Don’t be a slow learner! After his husband forgot the wedding anniversary, his wife tells him:  ‘You’d better have something in front of the house, tomorrow, which goes from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds.’ The next day, she finds on the road, a bathroom scale.”

7. “Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr Write.”

8. “Marriage is like the army. Everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlist.”

9. My sister Tina was telling her husband, Kay, about a wonderful program she had watched on TV. The show gave a national award to heroic people who put themselves in grave danger to help out someone they hardly knew. Kay replied, “That sounds a lot like getting married.”

10. “Do you know why the King of Hearts married the Queen of Hearts? They were perfectly suited to each other.”

Use these funny wedding toast quotes to add life into your speech

Wrapping it up

You want your wedding toast to be memorable, flattering, and make the bride or groom laugh. Use these funny wedding toast quotes to add life into your speech, but don’t forget this is a celebration of two people coming together in love, so avoid using any quotes, jokes, or stories that will embarrass or disparage the happy couple.

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