SEX ADVICE: ‘Why can’t I have the same hot sex with my husband that I had with my younger lover?’
A woman wrote into Tips For Healthy Living to confess that she preferred the hot sex she had with her summer fling than with her husband – sex expert and blogger Katy Red comes to her rescue with some really useful advice
Shelley, 42 from North London wrote to Tips For Healthy Living recently with the following dilemma: ‘Help me, I don’t feel a single spark toward my husband anymore. I had a fling with a hot younger guy in the summer and it was meaningless but very hot. Now hard as I try, I can’t seem to feel any want for my husband and can’t get the spark back into the marriage, even though the relationship is really good in other ways and he still makes me come with his mouth, which he’s always been good at.
Katy’s answer: Let’s start with the positives. Your libido is still sky high and your husband can still make you come, which is a fantastic place to start in terms of building on the relationship you have. Sexual chemistry is a very complex thing and the misconception is often that, once you have lost it, it’s impossible to get back.
Firstly this isn’t true, relationships naturally wax and wain, anyone who expects to have the same sexual tempo with their partner in the first year of their relationship as the tenth is setting themselves up for disappointment.
anyone who expects to have the same sexual tempo with their partner in the first year of their relationship as the tenth is setting themselves up for disappointment
In your case, your issue isn’t the libido but the relationship in which it can be satisfied. What was it about your younger lover that you found so enticing? Was it the fact he was younger, or that he was unfamiliar, or perhaps that the relationship was illicit and ‘naughty’ – this in itself can be a massive turn on, regardless of who it’s actually with.
Your husband offers you security, familiarity and reliability, all admirable qualities but not particularly arousing – in your case, at least. In order to get with your husband, what you had with your lover, you need to want him again. Remember what it was that attracted you to him in the first place. Throw your mind back to the time when you did a bit of the chasing and desired him.
it’s when you don’t 100 per cent have someone that you start to desire them
It’s when you don’t 100 per cent have someone that you start to desire them, no bigger passion killer than taking someone for granted and knowing you can behave in anyway you want without the possibility of them walking away.
From the tone of your letter, you’re blasé and unapologetic about your fling, you dismiss it as something that affected you alone and doesn’t impact on anybody else. This isn’t a criticism, but it is quite reflective on how highly you regard your husbands feelings – and how much you actually respect him.
You dismiss your affair as meaningless, but I’m yet to meet a person in a truly happy relationship that has sex with somebody else
Again a lethal ingredient in the bedroom – a sexual relationship isn’t just a case of two people giving each other orgasms, it comes down to a far more complex combination of trust, respect and the knowledge that you can’t do whatever you want in a relationship without it going totally unnoticed.
without mutual respect it will be very hard to regain the spark you once had
If you want to build on your sexual relationship with your husband you need to build on your emotional one, because without mutual respect it will be very hard to regain the spark you once had.
You dismiss your affair as meaningless, but I’m yet to meet a person in a truly happy relationship that has sex with somebody else (without their knowledge at least). My guess is that this ‘meaningless’ fling holds the key to getting the spark back in your marriage. You need to respect your husband in order to fancy him again – and really consider why you had your fling in the first place – because it’s not your fling that has taken away the spark from your marriage it’s the exsisting lack of spark in the marriage that’s led you to have your fling.
Katy Horwood is founder of the award-winning blog, all-sweetness-and-life.com, focusing predominantly on dating, sex & relationships. Her work is open and honest and her blog is seen as one of the leading platforms in the sex & dating industry bringing up-to-date news, advice and reviews to its readers. Having written for over seven years on the subject, she is consider by many as the go-to sex & dating industry expert in the UK. Alongside her blog, Katy also writes for The Huffington Post, Match.com, Metro.co.uk and TimeOut.com along with a number of other well-respected sites, she speaks regularly on BBC and LBC radio and is one of the original ambassador for SexpoUK.